What You Need to Know About Working with Me – A Woman

At first, I was appalled, mouth agape, by the sheer magnitude of searing #Metoo stories flooding the internet. As I scrolled through the accounts of my sisters and brothers in maltreatment, I felt a deeply kindred knowing of what those experiences feel like as I reflected on my own resume of unwanted sexual advances, which reads like a rap sheet, ranging from troubling to traumatic.

Then, I was in awe of the resulting light that has been shone on abuse, harassment, and malicious behavior – things can really change, I, too, thought, in my lifetime. I’ve felt the sensation of hope that springs from hard conversations being had, justice being done, and awareness being raised.

But since then, I’ve started to feel a rising sense of concern. Privately, my male friends, colleagues, and peers have confided a sense of growing unease in their relationships with women. Even fear. What happens if their joke is misinterpreted? What if their hug is misconstrued? What if their collegiality is misunderstood as an advance? In a chorus of conversations, hearing much of the same dialogue, I would think, “You too?” as I listened to both the disquiet along with the decision for my male counterparts to, as a measure of self-protection, place more distance between themselves and their female colleagues.

This is my worry:

We don’t need more distance between the sexes, we need more discourse.

Separation breeds suspicion.

We don’t need more contempt, we need more conversation, connection, and common ground.

In a time of great change, and uncertainty, it is natural to feel afraid. Clarity helps reduce fear.

In order to provide greater clarity, I have a few tips that I hope will help my well-meaning male colleagues fret less over their well-intentioned behavior, and allow us to continue to unite to support one another, not disengage.

Before the tips, I have two disclaimers.

1.     I do not speak for all women. I couldn’t possibly. I speak for one woman. She is me.

2.     I work for a fabulous male boss who works for a fabulous male boss who works for a fabulous male boss. Exactly none of the distressing experiences I’ve had or recount have occurred at my current company – rather as you’ll read below, the men I work with have often been my heroes.

I hope this helps. First, here's what not to do:

Don’t say you’re an advocate of women as a father of daughters, say you are advocate of women as a human. Being a father of daughters is lovely, but I need you to advocate for my rights, not just as a woman, but as person who is your fellow human being.

Not matter how endearing you may think it is, don’t use diminutive language to speak to me such as honey, sweetie, etc. I am not a puppy. Or a kitten. Or dating you.

I have a good sense of humor, but don’t make sexual jokes in my presence. I work with you. I have exactly zero interest in your sex life, tastes, and desires. Keep that to yourself. Please and thank you.

Don’t touch me without asking. Personally, I am okay with a hug, handshake, or high-five. Even a fist bump. Ask anyone, I am a huge hugger. But beyond that, the rest of my body is off limits until we discuss that it isn’t – allow me to have agency over my body, how and whom it touches.

Do:

If you have done any of the above, or worse, do apologize. Express regret and the desire to make a better choice in the future. Not acknowledging your behavior doesn’t make it go away.

Do be a gentleman. I am not put off by a man who wants to open my door or stand between me and oncoming traffic. I find this thoughtful. I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but this is my perspective. I have been grateful to many men for holding my hand (provided you asked – see above) on icy streets and offering me a coat when I am cold.

Include me. If you see me being silent, not contributing to your conversation on the weekend’s football games, try to include me. Ask, “Taryn, are you a sports fan?” (I love basketball, but am hopeless at football conversations).

Do provide me with a forum to express discomfort. A lot of men, in particular, think that when a woman is uncomfortable, it’s just about her speaking up. Yes, women need to speak up. And women, and men need to provide a place where women and men can be listened to and heard.

When I say I am uncomfortable with something, do take me seriously. Listen to my concerns without calling me weak, emotional, sensitive, or “no fun”. I am not weak, but I am fun as well as emotional and sensitive – last time I checked, these are good qualities, not something to be diminished.

Recognize my family is important to me. Support me in being an excellent mother and employee. Understand there is still a double standard when it comes to male and female leaders’ involvement with their families. I have two small boys. When I stay home with them because they are sick or take them to a doctor’s appointment, research demonstrates that I am in danger of being seen as being less engaged in my career. This is not the case. When a father attends to children, he is often see as being both an engaged father and a bastion of leadership – research demonstrates his career is not negatively impacted. Help all of us eliminate this double standard.

Believe me. Part of the insidious nature of harassment is that a person is often denigrated twice. First when the behavior happens, and then, a second time when they garner the courage to report the incident, but are not believed. When I was followed and harassed by a stranger, and reported the incident to my manager – not only did he believe me without question and express his empathy, he called the head of our global security to assure I would be safe in the office. When I met with the security team, they asked thoughtful questions and took notes (Read: no one asked what I was wearing). Then, members of our security team staked out the coffee shop where the man who followed me frequented to attempt to identify him. They did this for weeks. These men spent their precious time assuring I would feel safe and be protected. It’s hard to think of a time I have felt more valued or grateful.

Answers

If there were easy answers to any of this, we could have figured them out and solved for all of our gender dynamics by now. But there are not easy answers. A male colleague from another company recently texted me a question: “Should someone (a woman) tell an early 20s female analyst that a mid-thigh, tight dress with a slit and the fashionable shoulder cutouts might not be appropriate for the office?”

The answer is, “I don’t know.” Perhaps? If the dress is negatively impacting her with regard to what is culturally appropriate to wear, then yes, someone should talk with her.

But we won’t ever know the answers if we stop talking to one another. If we choose distance over discourse.

Silence doesn’t keep us safe.

We need to build bridges between the sexes, not burn them. We rise by lifting others. A rising tide lifts all boats. We rise together, not separately. So, let's stay connected. Let's keep talking.

You might also like Like a Girl - which examines the unique qualities of women in the workplace and Together We Rise - an account of the necessity for women and men to achieve parity together.