The Reverse Bucket List: Three Experiences You Want to Have In Order to Truly Live
"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." Mary Tyler-Moore
Many of us have a bucket list, a series of enriching encounters we want to experience before we die. I have a long list of the pleasurable places I want to visit—Cinque Terra, Croatia, Cambodia, Cuba … to name a few. No, they don’t all start with the letter “C”.
Focusing on positive happenings, we often seek to avoid the stuff that scares us, causes pain, and is uncomfortable. The reverse bucket list requires that we face our fears. When we do, the aspects of ourselves that no longer serve, us die off. Fear dies. Perfection dies. Dependence dies. Along with these “deaths”, the adversity we confront creates within us deeper compassion, appreciation, and courage.
The experiences we most want to elude, the reverse bucket list, are often more profound teachers than the agreeable activities we plan.
The following are three reverse bucket list experiences (as well as suggested musical accompaniment) for navigating life-enhancing adversity, even if you want to avoid these encounters like the plague.
Reverse Bucket List Item 1: Lose Something You Love
“I’ve got better things to do than survive” Ani Difranco, Swan Dive
Early in my career, after over a year of tireless networking, I made the leap from (neuropsychology) clinician to consultant and landed a role at an exclusive management consulting firm.
Then, the firm fell on hard financial times. They let me go. Last in. First out. I felt paralyzed without a job for the first time since I was 14 years old and foolish for believing I could dream of being more. The job loss brought me face-to-face with my fear that I didn’t have what it took to be successful.
It was a crisis. Crisis means to sift. The beauty of crisis is that it provides the opportunity to sort through the layers of possessions, people, and embedded structures to see what is left and what truly matters.
When I sifted through what I most wanted, instead of permitting this loss to deter me, I allowed the loss fuel my desire to achieve my dreams. The adversity amplified my determination.
Two months later, I landed a leadership role in a global consulting firm.
Reverse Bucket List Item 2: Face a Health Diagnosis
I started swimming competitively when I was eight years old. By age twelve, I was a state champion. I dreamed of swimming in college. Maybe even the Olympics.
Then my arms and hands began tingling and going numb during practice. The diagnosis was thoracic outlet syndrome, a shoulder condition blocking my circulation.
I was fortunate my diagnosis was not life-threatening. But the diagnosis did threaten both my imagined swimming career and identity.
Every ending is a new beginning.
In college, I pursued extracurricular activities competitive swimming simply wouldn’t have allowed: I joined a sorority, studied abroad, and volunteered at the hospital. My own health concerns allowed me to give back to those with terminal diagnoses, and I learned to value the healthy body I was given.
Reverse Bucket List Item 3: Do Something that Scares You
“All you people who think you own my life, you’ve never had to sacrifice” Tracy Chapman, Crossroads
Permission to truth tell? Every time I click publish on LinkedIn for Thought Leadership Thursday (#TLT), I feel scared. I’m ready to apologize. I hope to be forgiven. For what? I don’t exactly know. It scares me to write honestly and publicly. Then I see your responses. I am relieved. Grateful for all of you, sharing how my words resonate with you, teaching me through your comments and likes that I might have something valuable to say. It’s a little less scary each time.
Did you ever notice how similarly the words “scared” and “sacred” are spelled?
By engaging with the thing that most scares us, we are also engaging in our most sacred development experience.
By pruning back the parts of ourselves that say “I can’t”, “They would laugh at me”, or “They won’t like me if they knew….” we learn not to cower to fear.
When are we done?
We’re never done. Remember this: The formation that occurs when we face fear and adversity is life-long. Let this realization give you both resilience and relentlessness, patience and persistence. Rinse and repeat. Rest as needed. Keep going. Always keep going.
Don’t Reverse Bucket in Isolation
Warning do not try this alone. At some point, we have or will all face the unsavory unavoidable lessons of life and loss represented by the reverse bucket list. While hardship will strengthen you, you’ll want a support system to hold your hand (literally and figuratively). We need people to see us, know us, and even provide some comic relief along the way.
P.S. - None of these things will kill you. The way through adversity is not around or under, it is through the heart of the difficulty.
